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My beloved Lenovo G580, which predates my relationship with my wife by one month, has finally given up forever. It stumbled on even after I irreparably destroyed the BIOS and through gradually replacing almost every component in it. Godspeed to Valhalla, G580.
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Battery wasn't even cold before I ripped out the hard drive and the RAM. I'll have those, thanks.
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Also scavenged the optical drive because laptops tend not to come with those anymore and I can get a cheap cable to turn it into a USB DVD drive.